Today is the 4th of December, 2008, and at this current point in time, I am a seeker of the Lord. At least that's what I've concluded over the past few months. I'm still trying to correctly "define" these Christian terms, and put a word to my feelings. The reason I believe that I'm still seeking is because I don't think I've "found" Him yet. And I believe this for a number of reasons...
I'm having trouble finding solace in life. Well, not completely, but every now and then. For the most part, I'm a happy person, and especially as of lately, since I've found a partner to walk alongside me towards understanding God, I've been the happiest so far in my life. However, I find myself in moments of lost hope and helplessness, and neglect to turn to God -- something I've been so used to doing all my life, up until this year. I let my worldly and selfish emotions get the best of me and drag me down. For example, when I took my PCAT for the first time, I made sure to pray immensely, and so did my church, but since it was amidst all my other classes, I wasn't able to devote as much time to study for it as I needed to. When the results came in, I felt this surge of hopelessness rush through me. And ever since then, I never prayed for God to help me with ANYTHING in school, including the next PCAT exam. Instead, I devoted even more time to studying and stressing. Don't get me wrong, this is STILL good and absolutely necessary (I only need to brush up on 2 of the 6 subject areas of the PCAT), but I have to keep in mind that God never stops watching over me, even if I don't get it right the first time. It is reiterated over and over in the scripture that God loves us unconditionally - regardless of the amount of sin in our lives. It is simply up to us to accept that love and invite Him into our lives to show us what He has planned for us.
This is my fight. I KNOW what I must do, but I find it hard for me to do it. It's a natural human concept -- we all know what's "good" for us, but we can't always do it because it's either too hard to do, or not compelling enough for us to do it. This is the same reason why we sin -- we are normal human beings. It's especially difficult for me, considering all my life, I have never depended on God so much. I have NEVER understood Him as much as I do now. It's a wonderful feeling that I would never give up for anything, but it just takes some time getting used to and adjusting to. I'm so used to being realistic and depending on myself one hundred percent of the time, but now it's time to turn a new leaf, and love my Father who has created me and everything I have.
It has been about four and a half months since I started getting to know God. Since then, I never wanted to stray far from Him, due to fear that I might lose touch of Him and return to my old, worldly, independent self. Unless we are out of town, Long and I are sure to maintain a close connection with God by attending VBC's Young Adult group every Friday night, as well as Worship every Sunday morning. These are the two days of the week we constantly look forward to for refreshment and revivement of our lives. We are aware of our human weaknesses, and realize the consequences if we ever lose touch with God and His love, so that's why we do our best to maintain that. So that's definitely one thing I'm sure and proud of... So what about the other five days of the week? Well, those are the times where we get thrown out into the real world to face the real test. Obviously, with our lifestyles, we can't "live" at church. So the real challenge lies in how we conduct ourselves and live our lives out in the real world. Who do I really love? Who's word or rules am I following? In whom do I have faith in? In whom do I trust? And last, but not least, from whom do I seek solace? These are the answers I'm looking for, and I believe that with time, I will find a sure answer to them. And when I say "sure," I mean a proud one too. I want to be able to answer "the Lord" to ALL of these questions WITHOUT having to reassure myself with reminders like Bible Study and Worship. I want to come to a point in life where I am SO sure and comfortable with Him, that I can claim and declare my love for Him without hesitation or fear of how and what others are thinking. I want to be a Prayer Warrior. I want to be able to pray without thinking about what to say ahead of time. I want to be able to articulate my thoughts to God, without being afraid of whether or not He will receive my prayer...
God is reading this, I know. That is one of the Lord's specialties -- He can read HEARTS. This is why I write... not just to put my thoughts on paper, but to express my heart's desires to God so that he may read it also. God is so good, so loving, so gracious, so forgiving, and so patient. It's so simple -- If I could love just one, there'd be no one else better.
So Father, as You are reading my heart, I pray that you will bless me with the ability to "find" you one day, and bless me with the courage to love you to the fullest, proudly and confidently, without having to think twice. Lord, I pray that as time goes by, I will get to know You more and more, and all my prayers to You will flow from my heart smoothly and easily. I pray that You will always remain first and foremost in my life, without being at risk to fall second or third, and that You will be the One I turn to in times of lost hope and need of solace. In Your holy name I pray, Amen.
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Thursday, December 4, 2008
Finding Solace
Today is the 4th of December, 2008, and at this current point in time, I am a seeker of the Lord. At least that's what I've concluded over the past few months. I'm still trying to correctly "define" these Christian terms, and put a word to my feelings. The reason I believe that I'm still seeking is because I don't think I've "found" Him yet. And I believe this for a number of reasons...
I'm having trouble finding solace in life. Well, not completely, but every now and then. For the most part, I'm a happy person, and especially as of lately, since I've found a partner to walk alongside me towards understanding God, I've been the happiest so far in my life. However, I find myself in moments of lost hope and helplessness, and neglect to turn to God -- something I've been so used to doing all my life, up until this year. I let my worldly and selfish emotions get the best of me and drag me down. For example, when I took my PCAT for the first time, I made sure to pray immensely, and so did my church, but since it was amidst all my other classes, I wasn't able to devote as much time to study for it as I needed to. When the results came in, I felt this surge of hopelessness rush through me. And ever since then, I never prayed for God to help me with ANYTHING in school, including the next PCAT exam. Instead, I devoted even more time to studying and stressing. Don't get me wrong, this is STILL good and absolutely necessary (I only need to brush up on 2 of the 6 subject areas of the PCAT), but I have to keep in mind that God never stops watching over me, even if I don't get it right the first time. It is reiterated over and over in the scripture that God loves us unconditionally - regardless of the amount of sin in our lives. It is simply up to us to accept that love and invite Him into our lives to show us what He has planned for us.
This is my fight. I KNOW what I must do, but I find it hard for me to do it. It's a natural human concept -- we all know what's "good" for us, but we can't always do it because it's either too hard to do, or not compelling enough for us to do it. This is the same reason why we sin -- we are normal human beings. It's especially difficult for me, considering all my life, I have never depended on God so much. I have NEVER understood Him as much as I do now. It's a wonderful feeling that I would never give up for anything, but it just takes some time getting used to and adjusting to. I'm so used to being realistic and depending on myself one hundred percent of the time, but now it's time to turn a new leaf, and love my Father who has created me and everything I have.
It has been about four and a half months since I started getting to know God. Since then, I never wanted to stray far from Him, due to fear that I might lose touch of Him and return to my old, worldly, independent self. Unless we are out of town, Long and I are sure to maintain a close connection with God by attending VBC's Young Adult group every Friday night, as well as Worship every Sunday morning. These are the two days of the week we constantly look forward to for refreshment and revivement of our lives. We are aware of our human weaknesses, and realize the consequences if we ever lose touch with God and His love, so that's why we do our best to maintain that. So that's definitely one thing I'm sure and proud of... So what about the other five days of the week? Well, those are the times where we get thrown out into the real world to face the real test. Obviously, with our lifestyles, we can't "live" at church. So the real challenge lies in how we conduct ourselves and live our lives out in the real world. Who do I really love? Who's word or rules am I following? In whom do I have faith in? In whom do I trust? And last, but not least, from whom do I seek solace? These are the answers I'm looking for, and I believe that with time, I will find a sure answer to them. And when I say "sure," I mean a proud one too. I want to be able to answer "the Lord" to ALL of these questions WITHOUT having to reassure myself with reminders like Bible Study and Worship. I want to come to a point in life where I am SO sure and comfortable with Him, that I can claim and declare my love for Him without hesitation or fear of how and what others are thinking. I want to be a Prayer Warrior. I want to be able to pray without thinking about what to say ahead of time. I want to be able to articulate my thoughts to God, without being afraid of whether or not He will receive my prayer...
God is reading this, I know. That is one of the Lord's specialties -- He can read HEARTS. This is why I write... not just to put my thoughts on paper, but to express my heart's desires to God so that he may read it also. God is so good, so loving, so gracious, so forgiving, and so patient. It's so simple -- If I could love just one, there'd be no one else better.
So Father, as You are reading my heart, I pray that you will bless me with the ability to "find" you one day, and bless me with the courage to love you to the fullest, proudly and confidently, without having to think twice. Lord, I pray that as time goes by, I will get to know You more and more, and all my prayers to You will flow from my heart smoothly and easily. I pray that You will always remain first and foremost in my life, without being at risk to fall second or third, and that You will be the One I turn to in times of lost hope and need of solace. In Your holy name I pray, Amen.
I'm having trouble finding solace in life. Well, not completely, but every now and then. For the most part, I'm a happy person, and especially as of lately, since I've found a partner to walk alongside me towards understanding God, I've been the happiest so far in my life. However, I find myself in moments of lost hope and helplessness, and neglect to turn to God -- something I've been so used to doing all my life, up until this year. I let my worldly and selfish emotions get the best of me and drag me down. For example, when I took my PCAT for the first time, I made sure to pray immensely, and so did my church, but since it was amidst all my other classes, I wasn't able to devote as much time to study for it as I needed to. When the results came in, I felt this surge of hopelessness rush through me. And ever since then, I never prayed for God to help me with ANYTHING in school, including the next PCAT exam. Instead, I devoted even more time to studying and stressing. Don't get me wrong, this is STILL good and absolutely necessary (I only need to brush up on 2 of the 6 subject areas of the PCAT), but I have to keep in mind that God never stops watching over me, even if I don't get it right the first time. It is reiterated over and over in the scripture that God loves us unconditionally - regardless of the amount of sin in our lives. It is simply up to us to accept that love and invite Him into our lives to show us what He has planned for us.
This is my fight. I KNOW what I must do, but I find it hard for me to do it. It's a natural human concept -- we all know what's "good" for us, but we can't always do it because it's either too hard to do, or not compelling enough for us to do it. This is the same reason why we sin -- we are normal human beings. It's especially difficult for me, considering all my life, I have never depended on God so much. I have NEVER understood Him as much as I do now. It's a wonderful feeling that I would never give up for anything, but it just takes some time getting used to and adjusting to. I'm so used to being realistic and depending on myself one hundred percent of the time, but now it's time to turn a new leaf, and love my Father who has created me and everything I have.
It has been about four and a half months since I started getting to know God. Since then, I never wanted to stray far from Him, due to fear that I might lose touch of Him and return to my old, worldly, independent self. Unless we are out of town, Long and I are sure to maintain a close connection with God by attending VBC's Young Adult group every Friday night, as well as Worship every Sunday morning. These are the two days of the week we constantly look forward to for refreshment and revivement of our lives. We are aware of our human weaknesses, and realize the consequences if we ever lose touch with God and His love, so that's why we do our best to maintain that. So that's definitely one thing I'm sure and proud of... So what about the other five days of the week? Well, those are the times where we get thrown out into the real world to face the real test. Obviously, with our lifestyles, we can't "live" at church. So the real challenge lies in how we conduct ourselves and live our lives out in the real world. Who do I really love? Who's word or rules am I following? In whom do I have faith in? In whom do I trust? And last, but not least, from whom do I seek solace? These are the answers I'm looking for, and I believe that with time, I will find a sure answer to them. And when I say "sure," I mean a proud one too. I want to be able to answer "the Lord" to ALL of these questions WITHOUT having to reassure myself with reminders like Bible Study and Worship. I want to come to a point in life where I am SO sure and comfortable with Him, that I can claim and declare my love for Him without hesitation or fear of how and what others are thinking. I want to be a Prayer Warrior. I want to be able to pray without thinking about what to say ahead of time. I want to be able to articulate my thoughts to God, without being afraid of whether or not He will receive my prayer...
God is reading this, I know. That is one of the Lord's specialties -- He can read HEARTS. This is why I write... not just to put my thoughts on paper, but to express my heart's desires to God so that he may read it also. God is so good, so loving, so gracious, so forgiving, and so patient. It's so simple -- If I could love just one, there'd be no one else better.
So Father, as You are reading my heart, I pray that you will bless me with the ability to "find" you one day, and bless me with the courage to love you to the fullest, proudly and confidently, without having to think twice. Lord, I pray that as time goes by, I will get to know You more and more, and all my prayers to You will flow from my heart smoothly and easily. I pray that You will always remain first and foremost in my life, without being at risk to fall second or third, and that You will be the One I turn to in times of lost hope and need of solace. In Your holy name I pray, Amen.
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