Response to 'Finding Solace' & Words of Encouragement

Thank you, Mariann. Since that post, she has helped me define a few things better and more clearly.

I, in fact, have "found" God. I have given my life to Him, and asked him to be the Lord of my life. I openly confessed my sins to Him, and put all my trust in Him. I let Him "take the wheel" of my life, use me, and make me who He wants me to be...

What I really meant to say was that I don't really "know" Him, and I want to know him MORE. And as Mariann further clarified, this is MY spiritual walk -- a life-long journey and relationship with God that will promote both spiritual and emotional growth within me.

Perhaps what compelled me to think like I did was my Catholic roots. It seems like I have grown accustomed to the idea that great things can only be earned through hard work, suffering, and tribulation. This is an idea that is certainly possible in many cases (including my own life), but not necessarily a requirement. According to His word, His love is everlasting. It is by His grace that He will never leave or forsake us. We don't have to work to keep earning His love. We are His, and He is ours. Nothing can take Him or His love away from us.

I look forward to expressing more of God's manifestation in me. The greatest gift we could give to others is ministry and spreading the word of God to bring salvation to them. This is yet another purpose I've developed in life. One day, when my days are less crammed, and my career is more secured, I will have the freedom, ability, and financial blessings to minister in all kinds of different ways to all kinds of different people. However, for now, this blog will have to suffice. :) God bless everyone, especially all of my loved ones who are struggling through things, big or small. God loves you so, SO much and has a wonderful and special plan in store JUST for you! :)

Health Update & Personal Reassurance

This is a fight I can't wait to win. The closer I get to God, the harder I fight for my healing... but there's a downside to that, also. It seems like the more I fight and pray, the more discouraged I get when I wake up every morning in pain, realizing that my healing has not come yet. Winter is here and so are Final Exams -- Probably one of the worst combinations for my lupus. My disease has taken on a whole new level this winter. I feel as the time goes by, the more my disease progresses. I don't recall being this debilitated since I've been diagnosed ten years ago...

At first, I though it was ironic -- for me to finally discover God's love for me, and then have more frequent doctor visits due to increasing complications. Then I realized that it's not really a bad sign, rather a good one. The devil is our enemy, and when he sees that we are turning against him to love God more, he will do things to pull us further down... and this is where our faith and trust in God comes in -- we continue on our godly path, and leave everything else to Him, for His love is always faithful and everlasting.

I can say this easily now, as I am given the luxury to sit back and peacefully contemplate to myself. But if I were to be put in an emergency situation where I'd have to think on my toes and speak the thoughts that came first to mind, I'd probably be complaining about how much I'm hurting and pessimistically preparing for an entire life of medications and endless debilitation... Or, at least, that's how it has been when I barely knew God.

Love God. Trust God. Believe in God. He is so faithful. He is so gracious. He is so loving. I must always remember this.

Finding Solace

Today is the 4th of December, 2008, and at this current point in time, I am a seeker of the Lord. At least that's what I've concluded over the past few months. I'm still trying to correctly "define" these Christian terms, and put a word to my feelings. The reason I believe that I'm still seeking is because I don't think I've "found" Him yet. And I believe this for a number of reasons...

I'm having trouble finding solace in life. Well, not completely, but every now and then. For the most part, I'm a happy person, and especially as of lately, since I've found a partner to walk alongside me towards understanding God, I've been the happiest so far in my life. However, I find myself in moments of lost hope and helplessness, and neglect to turn to God -- something I've been so used to doing all my life, up until this year. I let my worldly and selfish emotions get the best of me and drag me down. For example, when I took my PCAT for the first time, I made sure to pray immensely, and so did my church, but since it was amidst all my other classes, I wasn't able to devote as much time to study for it as I needed to. When the results came in, I felt this surge of hopelessness rush through me. And ever since then, I never prayed for God to help me with ANYTHING in school, including the next PCAT exam. Instead, I devoted even more time to studying and stressing. Don't get me wrong, this is STILL good and absolutely necessary (I only need to brush up on 2 of the 6 subject areas of the PCAT), but I have to keep in mind that God never stops watching over me, even if I don't get it right the first time. It is reiterated over and over in the scripture that God loves us unconditionally - regardless of the amount of sin in our lives. It is simply up to us to accept that love and invite Him into our lives to show us what He has planned for us.

This is my fight. I KNOW what I must do, but I find it hard for me to do it. It's a natural human concept -- we all know what's "good" for us, but we can't always do it because it's either too hard to do, or not compelling enough for us to do it. This is the same reason why we sin -- we are normal human beings. It's especially difficult for me, considering all my life, I have never depended on God so much. I have NEVER understood Him as much as I do now. It's a wonderful feeling that I would never give up for anything, but it just takes some time getting used to and adjusting to. I'm so used to being realistic and depending on myself one hundred percent of the time, but now it's time to turn a new leaf, and love my Father who has created me and everything I have.

It has been about four and a half months since I started getting to know God. Since then, I never wanted to stray far from Him, due to fear that I might lose touch of Him and return to my old, worldly, independent self. Unless we are out of town, Long and I are sure to maintain a close connection with God by attending VBC's Young Adult group every Friday night, as well as Worship every Sunday morning. These are the two days of the week we constantly look forward to for refreshment and revivement of our lives. We are aware of our human weaknesses, and realize the consequences if we ever lose touch with God and His love, so that's why we do our best to maintain that. So that's definitely one thing I'm sure and proud of... So what about the other five days of the week? Well, those are the times where we get thrown out into the real world to face the real test. Obviously, with our lifestyles, we can't "live" at church. So the real challenge lies in how we conduct ourselves and live our lives out in the real world. Who do I really love? Who's word or rules am I following? In whom do I have faith in? In whom do I trust? And last, but not least, from whom do I seek solace? These are the answers I'm looking for, and I believe that with time, I will find a sure answer to them. And when I say "sure," I mean a proud one too. I want to be able to answer "the Lord" to ALL of these questions WITHOUT having to reassure myself with reminders like Bible Study and Worship. I want to come to a point in life where I am SO sure and comfortable with Him, that I can claim and declare my love for Him without hesitation or fear of how and what others are thinking. I want to be a Prayer Warrior. I want to be able to pray without thinking about what to say ahead of time. I want to be able to articulate my thoughts to God, without being afraid of whether or not He will receive my prayer...

God is reading this, I know. That is one of the Lord's specialties -- He can read HEARTS. This is why I write... not just to put my thoughts on paper, but to express my heart's desires to God so that he may read it also. God is so good, so loving, so gracious, so forgiving, and so patient. It's so simple -- If I could love just one, there'd be no one else better.

So Father, as You are reading my heart, I pray that you will bless me with the ability to "find" you one day, and bless me with the courage to love you to the fullest, proudly and confidently, without having to think twice. Lord, I pray that as time goes by, I will get to know You more and more, and all my prayers to You will flow from my heart smoothly and easily. I pray that You will always remain first and foremost in my life, without being at risk to fall second or third, and that You will be the One I turn to in times of lost hope and need of solace. In Your holy name I pray, Amen.

God works, even through dentist visits...

As I mentioned in the previous post, I was preparing to get a root canal. I had received 2 opinions from two dentists, and according to both, without a doubt, I definitely needed a root canal. They based this decision on solid evidence like multiple x-rays, including my complaint of intense pain for one night. Thus, I had to simply accept that fact, prepare myself, and pray.

Wednesday came and I was prepared. I prayed for God's blessings on the day of my dentist visit everyday, starting from the day I found out. So yesterday morning, I prayed one last time before I drove out to the dentist. Here's some background information: I have this immense fear for dentists, specifically. Since my aunts are dental assistants/hygienists, they have always done my dental work since I was young, but for some reason, if I felt pain or discomfort, I would have to deal with it since they never used any anesthetics. So pretty much, my experiences at the dentist weren't at all delightful. So as I grew older, I was never "forced" to see the dentist, thus I stubbornly never went on my own will (which definitely has changed now!). So whenever I enter a dental office, sit on that chair, or see any of the appliances and tools they use, I get really nervous and fear-stricken. On the day I went to get my first x-ray, I remember breaking out in sweats JUST from getting x-rays taken! So I knew the only way I'd be able to maintain my composure (WITHOUT the use of anti-anxiety drugs), was to pray for God's blessings. So yesterday, when I walked into the dental office, I was completely amazed at how calm and at ease I felt. The place actually looked like some kind of spa, so clean, nicely decorated, and relaxing. Even as I laid in the chair, I felt so peaceful. There was a narrow window in front of me where the light shined through, and I could see a beautifully landscaped neighborhood right outside. Who knew, right? God, of course!

And that's not even half of His blessings that day... After I settled in, and it was time to perform the root canal, this lady in a white coat turned out being the sweetest and most humorous dentist I've ever met! So she went ahead and prepared all the materials for a root canal, topically numbed my gums, injected the anesthesia (which was completely painless!), placed the elaborate set-up in my mouth, specifically designed for a root canal procedure, and started drilling. :) After a few minutes of drilling off all the cavity (which was more than a whopping 50% of my tooth), she stopped and had some kind of revelation... she made sure to clean out my tooth as much as possible, and then told me news that made my day -- After drilling everything out, she saw the possibility of SAVING my tooth because although my cavity was huge, it didn't extend as deep to the nerve. However, to confirm, she needed me to describe to her clearly how the pain started and how long it lasted, and any other detailed descriptions of my experience. So she undid the whole set-up on my mouth to hear me out, and after I told her my story, she confirmed that my nerve was simply irritated when a piece of the doritos I ate probably penetrated a sensitive part of my gums, and got even more irritated when I tried to suck it out! Haha! Turns out, she was even happier to be able to save me from a root canal because she believed I was too young for that. In fact, she said if I were older, like in my 30's or 40's, she'd probably just go for it like originally planned. I still had to get a crown, though, because a filling wasn't sufficient enough to seal the entire tooth, but the most important thing is that I was able to keep my nerve!

As she continues to undo the process, and continue with the crown, I sat in the chair, praising God for his goodness and glory. I felt His presence there the whole time, and I couldn't thank Him enough for being there with me and watching over me. This definitely isn't a common event for people with root canal appointments, and my aunt was definitely surprised and pleased to hear the wonderful news.

So here I am, adjusting to my new crown and clean AND fully functioning tooth! Oh, and I've got a week's supply of Vicodin I have NO use for! Praise the Lord! All I prayed for was a "successful" experience with MINIMAL yet endurable pain, and what did God give me? NO pain. God is simply GREAT, isn't He? :)

Health Concerns & God's Love for Me

It was discovered yesterday, 10/3/08, that I'm in need of a root canal, as well as the extraction of both my lower wisdom teeth. I saw the dentist and was prescribed antibiotics and analgesics. Could it be that the flare-up of my lupus is directly connected to the possibly infected nerve in my gums?

My health is constantly running through my mind, and I never stop searching for answers and/or explanations. So far, within the past month or two, I've gotten 2 eye infections, followed by fevers and a flare-up of lupus, and now my dental problems. Could they be connected? Or am I over-analyzing my symptoms and reactions?

As of now, I'm currently taking my corticosteroids to calm the flare-up, and so far, it's been working wonders, and I feel in tip-top shape... that's including my constant hunger as a side-affect from the prednisone. Besides that, today is actually the first day I woke up feeling completely NORMAL and "disease-free." Usually, I'd have a couple aching joints here and there or simply just a desire to not get out of bed. Besides the medicine, the only explanation I have for this phenomenal feeling is God and His wonderful love for me. Last night, after Initium, Long and I took the time out to read God's word and also get to know more about each other, spiritually -- for the first time in our relationship. We were fighting fatigue, but we still devoted time to Him. And surprisingly (or not), we rested well, and awoke well... Praise the Lord. :)

One day, I know He will heal me. I'm not sure when, and I need not know how (thanks to Pastor Kinchen's enlightenment), but I trust in Him. For me, it's so hard to NOT analyze every medical aspect and detail of my health, but every day, I'm learning not to worry and just leave things like this in God's hands, and trust in His love for me...